Got a joke to share?

[KL51]

Retired Marine and former Pan Am/Delta Pilot John Lovell is top gun at Subway sandwich shop...


Plantation, Florida: Last week police were called to investigate an attempted armed robbery: The 71-year-old retired Marine who opened fire on two robbers at a Plantation, Florida, Subway shop late Wednesday, killing one and critically wounding the other, is described as John Lovell, a former helicopter pilot for two presidents. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, and he works out every day. Mr.. Lovell was a man of action Wednesday night.
According to Plantation police, two masked gunmen came into the Subway at 1949 N. Pine Rd. just after 11 p.m. There was a lone diner, Mr. Lovell, who was finishing his meal.
After robbing the cashier, the two men attempted to shove Mr. Lovell into a bathroom and rob him as well. They got his money, but then Mr. Lovell pulled his handgun and opened fire. He shot one of the thieves in the head and chest and the other in the head.
When police arrived, they found one of the men in the shop, K-9 Units found the other in the bushes of a nearby business. They also found cash strewn around the front of the sandwich shop according to Detective Robert Rettig of the Plantation Police Department..
Both men were taken to the Broward General Medical Center , where one, Donicio Arrindell, 22, of North Lauderdale died at the scene. The other, 21-year-old Frederick Gadson of Fort Lauderdale died in route to the hospital.
A longtime friend of Lovell was not surprised to hear what happened. The friend said, ''He'd give you the shirt off his back, but he'd be mad as hell if someone tried to take the shirt off his back.''
Mr. Lovell was a pilot in the Marine Corps, flying former Presidents John F. Kennedy and Lyndon B. Johnson. He later worked as a pilot for Pan Am and Delta Airlines.
He is not expected to be charged, authorities said. ''He was in fear for his life,'' Detective Rettig said, "These criminals ought to realize that most men in their 70's have military backgrounds and aren't intimidated by idiots."
Something tells me this old Marine wasn't 'in fear for his life', even though his life was definitely at risk. The only thing he could be charged with is participating in an unfair fight. One 71- year young Marine against two punks. Two head shots and one center body mass shot... Outstanding shooting! That'll teach them not to get between a Marine and his meal.
Florida law allows eligible citizens to carry a concealed weapon. Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?

SEMPER FI, Jarheads!!

[marine1955]

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

[MARINE42]

NOBAMA


FLAVOR00-NONE-0000-0000-000000000000 0.000000 ; What you get free costs too much."--- Jean Anouilh

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
**********************

America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
**********************

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to
Society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************

If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean
And It started to sink, who would be saved? .... America !
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
__________________
Forever Grateful For Our Veterans,

[marine1955]

[marine1955]

---

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts
______________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you chitting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[marine1955]

The Aisle Seat

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the Coke the other
Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone, the other
Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight..

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...
'Why does it have to be this way?
How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pizzing in Cokes?'

[marine1955]

Putting Your Affairs Together

Ellen noticed that she hadn't been feeling well as of late so she made an appointment to see her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news, Ellen. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' Ellen was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter Chloe had been waiting. 'Well, Chloe, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of Ellen's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends that they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave Ellen their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, Chloe leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??' 'Because I don't want any of those B i t c h e s !!!! sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[dickusmc@cox.net]

My joke is one simple one


Obama

[danno2621]

Originally Posted by dickusmc@cox.net

My joke is one simple one


Obama

That my friend is a BAD joke. A very, very BAAAAAD joke!

[marine1955]

Originally Posted by danno2621

That my friend is a BAD joke. A very, very BAAAAAD joke!

Yea but it's the funnest one yet. hahahahaha.

[danno2621]

A very bad joke on America that is.

[marine1955]

A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of 'WHY' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa .'' His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'' Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

[marine1955]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

[marine1955]

'I went to visit my Nana'...

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big People’ words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People’ words’.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.

That’s WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

(I love this...)

Alex thought real hard about it,

Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,



'Winnie the SHIT'

[rmeunier1]

I guess that only a former squid (submarine sailor), would be allowed to say this but while we were waiting for roll call yesterday, there was a group of about 8 or 9 of us hanging around shooting the bull. In this group there was myself and another former marine. As the captain came in for roll call he jokingly made the statement, "A well placed grenade would get most of you". After he said this, the squid stated "Yeah, but there's a couple of jarheads in the crowd, I'm sure someone would jump on it." Man, the things people come up with on a moments notice. Semper Fi / Regina Meunier / Corporal USMC 1987-1991

[JITB]

Back in 1959 & 1960, the Marines from Marine Barracks Norfolk hung out at Fleet Landing Restaurant which was a bar outside of Gate 2. I'm not sure why, but our click in the bar included a bunch of Submarine Sailors who often teamed up with us when a fight broke out between Marines and other Navy types. Perhaps it was because many of the WAVES aboard the base were also in our click.

[rmeunier1]

JITB, While we are on that subject, I had an uncle Ray (who passed away in 1986). In the 1960s' he was a submarine sailor out of Norfolk. He was stationed on the USS Requin. I can't remember the boat #. But he did talk about a place outside the gate that was closest to the destroyer submarine piers. He said the name of the place was Bell's. He mentioned the barmaids name as Thelma, who for some reason or other was well known by Submarine Squadron 6. I picked all this info up while hanging around at family functions when I was young. Semper Fi / Regina Meunier

[JITB]

The D&S Piers were a good way from Gate 2 which is the Main Gate for NOB. Although I'm not familiar with it, Bell's must have been somewhere inbetween the D&S Gate and Gate 2. It may have been one of the joints along the strip of bars that started just out side Gate 2 and went south for a couple of blocks on Hampton Blvd. Back then, there was no shortage of bars in Norfolk. Today, the Navy has taken over a lot of the real estate that once was bars outside of the base. Marines no longer man the gates. Marine Barracks is now the home for Marine Security Forces. Little is left of the Norfolk I once knew. But, that's true of J'Ville also as it no longer looks like the town I went on liberty to when I was at Lejeune.

[rmeunier1]

JITB, Thanks for the history lesson. It was a touch before my time, but I was close to my uncle, and I always felt that submarine sailors were a cut above the surface fleet. I don't believe I couldv'e done what they did. I think it takes a special individual to go to sea in a ship designed to (sink?) Oh Oh! I think we've drifted away from what this humor link was supposed to be. Talk to you soon. Semper Fi / Regina

[JITB]

Some kids piss their name in the snow. The Gunny can piss his name into concrete.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The Gunny can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

The Gunny once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

The Gunny counted to infinity - twice.

The Gunny's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Never.

The Gunny's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The Gunny.

The Gunny does not sleep. He waits.

The Gunny can speak Braille.

The Gunny doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

The Gunny puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

The Gunny can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

On a high school math test, The Gunny put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The Gunny solves all his problems with Violence.

The Gunny once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

The Gunny can delete the Windows desktop Recycling Bin.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The Gunny.

Once a cobra bit The Gunny's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

The Gunny died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

The Gunny was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

The Gunny does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The Gunny goes killing.

The Gunny can slam revolving doors.

Giraffes were created when The Gunny uppercut a horse.

Superman owns a pair of The Gunny pajamas.

The Gunny runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

The Gunny doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

The Gunny sleeps with a night light. Not because The Gunny is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The Gunny.

The Gunny can kill two stones with one bird.

When The Gunny gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

The Gunny's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The Gunny will not take s#%t from anyone.

The Gunny was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

The Gunny is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Death once had a near-Gunny experience.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that The Gunny's PC will crash.

The Gunny was once charged with attempted murder in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charge because The Gunny does not "attempt" murder.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that The Gunny didn't kill you in your sleep.

The Gunny can strangle you with a cordless phone.

The Gunny never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

The Gunny can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

The Gunny can build a snowman out of rain.

The Gunny plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with The Gunny.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that The Gunny can touch this.

The Gunny is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man once ate a Jeep.

The Gunny can drown a fish.

The Gunny once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

When The Gunny enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

The only time The Gunny was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

The Gunny can play the violin with a piano

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge The Gunny's roundhouse kick.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. The Gunny can throw Brett Favre even further.

The Gunny can make a paraplegic run for his life.

When God said, "Let there be light", The Gunny said, "say please."

The Gunny doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

The quickest way to a man's heart is with The Gunny's fist.

The Gunny doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

The Gunny cannot predict the future; the future just better do what The Gunny says.

The Gunny does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

The Gunny can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

If you can see The Gunny, he can see you. If you can't see The Gunny you may be only seconds away from death.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns The Gunny is.