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  #481  
Old 10-11-2015, 04:24 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Dr. Geezer, an old retired surgeon, became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about modern medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "That's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."


Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- box 22 is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."


Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer:: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (but hands him a $10 bill)


Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".
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  #482  
Old 10-13-2015, 08:25 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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It's time again for the annual " Stella Awards"!
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee.

You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.


Here are the Stellas for this year:


SEVENTH PLACE
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!


SIXTH PLACE
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour’s hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

FIFTH PLACE
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.

Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching.
There are more..

Double hand scratching after this one..


FOURTH PLACE
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour’s beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.

Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

THIRD PLACE
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.

The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.


Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

SECOND PLACE
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

FIRST PLACE
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.

On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? . . . . . . . $1,750,000.
PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
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  #483  
Old 10-17-2015, 06:10 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Location: Joliet, IL
Posts: 108
One day out on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his
golfcart.

A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on
the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out
to him, Hey, are you okay?
I'm fine, thanks," he replied.

"You look frazzled, the woman
said, Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up
afterwards."
"That's mighty
nice of you," he answered, But I don't think my wife
wouldlike
that."
"Oh, come on, " the woman, a gorgeous brunette in
a sexy bikini, insisted. Ican
see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of
thatright
away. I'm a nurse.
She was very persuasive....and he was weak.

"Well okay," he agreed, but
added, "But my wife won't like it."
After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most
welcome brandy. Theytalked
a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with
afour
handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave
hima
putting lesson holding him close and intimately as she did so.
Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now,
but I had better get going.I
know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."

"Don't be silly! the woman said with a smile, She
won't know anything. Bythe
way, where is she?"
"Under the cart," he replied.
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  #484  
Old 10-19-2015, 08:58 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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An old man lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed
this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed
one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered
and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the
aisle, and in a moment he returned with
the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the old disheveled man, but with
no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly
then asked,
"All right buddy what's your name?
"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the
police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice,
and without moving, Fred replied;

"The balcony".......
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  #485  
Old 10-20-2015, 11:16 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE> YEAR> A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United > States. It's 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.>
He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The
passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican and here illegally."

The
man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America."

The
person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese and here on a Green Card
that expired two years ago."


The
new arrival walks farther and stops the next person he sees, then
shaking his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!” That
person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not
American. It was easy to get here via Arizona."

He
finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She
says, "No, I am from Africa here on an Education Green Card that
expired 10 years ago."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The
African lady checks her watch and says: "Probably at work."
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  #486  
Old 10-21-2015, 04:05 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Location: Joliet, IL
Posts: 108
The mind of a child

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their
children along as well.


All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The
little girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much

for me.
I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her

behavior and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.

The little girl said
:
"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
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  #487  
Old 10-22-2015, 07:02 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Posts: 108
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
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  #488  
Old 10-24-2015, 03:33 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Location: Joliet, IL
Posts: 108
Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
(And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour)
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  #489  
Old 10-29-2015, 07:32 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Latex Gloves
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves,
you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

' Do you know how they make these gloves? ' he asked.

' No, I don't, ' she replied.

' Well, ' he spoofed, ' there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank,
dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes
of the right size. '

She didn't crack a smile.

' Oh, well. I tried, ' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.

' What's so funny? ' he asked.

' I was just envisioning how condoms are made! '
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  #490  
Old 11-01-2015, 05:01 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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God said, 'Adam, I want you to do
Something for
Me.'


Adam
said, 'Gladly,



Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's
a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a
River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'


Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a
Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you to reproduce.'


Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), Geez.....'

And then,
just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as
well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is
it Now?'
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)
*
*

'What's a
headache?'
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  #491  
Old 11-02-2015, 03:31 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself., "I really need a new boat,"
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  #492  
Old 11-03-2015, 03:43 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
A Brunette, by the way!!
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  #493  
Old 11-03-2015, 10:06 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Registration on the first day back at school in London:

Ahmed Al Sheriah?
"Here."
Mustafa Al Sheriah?
"Here."
Fatima El Bindiri?
"Here."
Ali Achma Shabeeb?
"Here."

Ali Sun Al En?
No answer.

Ali Sun Al En??
A little girl at the back stands up and says.

"It's pronounced Alison Allen, for Christ's sake."
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  #494  
Old 11-06-2015, 03:53 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Winner of the Chicago Tribune's best Tweet of the Week:
"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant. But, apparently, it just changes the color of the baby.”
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  #495  
Old 11-07-2015, 05:40 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to,
shaking him.. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and
figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis,my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.

The little white Irishman says:
'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!
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  #496  
Old 11-08-2015, 07:44 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Farm Life

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, " said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.

" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,





" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
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  #497  
Old 11-09-2015, 05:53 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
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  #498  
Old 11-10-2015, 03:30 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place
from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when
she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I
have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get
laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"



"Great," she said. "Can you watch my
dog?"


Being a senior citizen really sucks!
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  #499  
Old 11-11-2015, 03:20 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Male or Female?


You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:






FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.







PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.






TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated






HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.




SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.




WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.




TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.





EGG TIMERS:

Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.





HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.





THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
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  #500  
Old 11-14-2015, 03:12 PM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young Woman's surgery.
But, she asked,

"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The girl was alarmed.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"


He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.



It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
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