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  #361  
Old 01-09-2010, 07:53 AM
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Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.



The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.



When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand-print on his cheek.



No one speaks.




The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.




The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.




Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.







George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
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  #362  
Old 01-13-2010, 10:51 AM
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Dumb Blonde no Joke !!!

Wish this was a joke.

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  #363  
Old 01-15-2010, 10:19 AM
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Funny But true !!!!

You can always count on our Down-Under friends to speak from the heart and tell
it like it is!! Well said Mate.

One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in the
right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City councilor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a
local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of
torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from
the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to
get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one
Australian, American or Canadian life, then I have only three things to say,' :


'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.'
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  #364  
Old 01-19-2010, 03:02 AM
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Four old Italian ladies
Once upon a time there were four older ladies that lived in Italy . They always sat outside and chatted about when they were younger. One day they pooled their money together and bought a laptop computer.



They always wanted to see what Florida was about and they just happened to click on St. Augustine, FL. and they read about the "Fountain of Youth" that was there. They saved up all they could and sent for four bottles of the magic water.

As soon as it arrived, they drank as much as they could.
The rest of this story will make you a believer because here they are today.



No, this is really TRUE! Really!

I have a limited supply of this water available at $1250.00 a bottle...
HURRY BEFORE INVENTORY RUNS OUT.

No checks, please!!
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  #365  
Old 01-19-2010, 03:29 AM
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 on the surgery and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”


“About 32,' is the reply.”

“Nope! I'm exactly 50,” the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, “I'd guess about 29.”


The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I'm 50.”


Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I'd say 30.”


Again she proudly responds, “I'm 50, but thank you!”


While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.. He replies, “Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman is. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are..”


They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”


He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay....How old am I?”


He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”


Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible; how could you tell?”


The old man says, “Promise you won't get mad?”

“I promise I won't,” she says.





The old boy says, “I was behind you in the line at McDonald's.”
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  #366  
Old 01-31-2010, 03:35 AM
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Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."
~~~~
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  #367  
Old 01-31-2010, 09:06 AM
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ONLY A "DOG PERSON" WOULD TRULY APPRECIATE THIS!





Stay!


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the

local shopping center and rolled

Down the car windows to make sure my


Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.







She was stretched full-out on the back seat


And I wanted to impress upon her that she must

remain there.
I walked to the curb backward,Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,




'Now you stay. Do you hear me?''Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,


Gave me a strange look and said,






'Why don't you just put it in Park?
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  #368  
Old 01-31-2010, 11:39 PM
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MY FATHER IS A STRIPPER IN A GAY BAR

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied,'

Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee

and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'
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  #369  
Old 02-03-2010, 07:10 AM
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BEST PICK UP LINE I EVER HEARD ...

A Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Marine explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now? "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.

"The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Marine smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast, again."
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  #370  
Old 02-09-2010, 04:17 PM
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Damn hippies
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:


"Can we have sex?"


"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:


"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her."

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

"Yeah!" says the bus driver.

"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a go, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"
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  #371  
Old 02-14-2010, 04:25 PM
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Robert De niro S.N.L.

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  #372  
Old 03-02-2010, 03:14 PM
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Don't Talk





A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.
Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”
Indian: “Dog don’t talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” (pointing at the Indian)
Dog: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: “Yep.”
Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements.”
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”






Indian said " SHEEP LIE, SHEEP LIE "
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  #373  
Old 03-02-2010, 05:09 PM
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Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass andhaving the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking
, there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.
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  #374  
Old 03-09-2010, 04:26 PM
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News flash !!!

This just in from the big three news networks..
Flash ,, it was just announced today that buckwheat from the tv series of our gang has just converted to muslim faith and change his name to

kareem of wheat.
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  #375  
Old 03-12-2010, 09:57 AM
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Fred and Ralph get married in California ..
They couldn't afford a honeymoon.









So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad 's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Ralph are up yet.


She replies, 'No'.


Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'


His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'


Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Ralph up yet?'


She replies, 'No.'


Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '


After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Ralph up yet?'


His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think?'


He says:
'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my crazy glue'
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  #376  
Old 05-09-2010, 04:16 PM
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The Farm Kid !!!

A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.


'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig,so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk .'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'
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Old 05-09-2010, 04:20 PM
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An elderly,(about 70), white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.


The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..




On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

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  #378  
Old 05-09-2010, 08:13 PM
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A couple had been married for almost fifty years,and have a VERY active sex life.Soon the wife was feeling poorly,so off to the Doctor they went.After an examination by the Dr.He ask the husband to come into the room where the wife was waiting to hear the
outcome of the examination.The Dr.explaines to both that they have to slow down their
sex life to an almost stop.Explaining that the wife's heart is in about fail if they don't refrane from the stain.Upon arriving home after a long talk about what to do,they decide that separate bedroom is the answer.So the wife stayed upstairs and the husband moved down stairs.Finally after some two weeks of no activity,the husband headed up the stairs where he met the wife coming down.Where are you going at this hour of the night the wife replied.The husband looked at her and said I"m coming up to Kill you he reply back to her.Good she said because I was on my way down to commit Suicide!!!
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  #379  
Old 05-11-2010, 03:06 PM
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Cannibal Lunch anyone?
>

> Cannibal Lunch
>
>
> A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
> operated by a fellow cannibal.
>
> Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
>
> +Tourist: $ 5.00


>
> +Broiled Missionary: $ 10.00


>
> +Fried Explorer: $ 15.00


>
> +Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00


>
> The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
> "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"
>
> The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
> They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."


A^JO
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  #380  
Old 05-12-2010, 05:33 AM
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A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States
> . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
> "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing,
> food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
>
> The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and
> encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful
> country here in America ."
>
> The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
>
> The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
> shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
>
> That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not
> American."
>
> He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
>
> She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
>
> Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
>
> The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
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