Yellow Foot Prints Forums  
 

Go Back   Yellow Foot Prints Forums > Open Channel

Open Channel [Main Page]
Communicate with your Brothers/sister Marines.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Rating: Thread Rating: 52 votes, 4.98 average. Display Modes
  #221  
Old 04-07-2009, 01:45 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
Cussing at Work

Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

Ithas been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.






Number 1


TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues....
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD O F: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #222  
Old 04-08-2009, 09:20 AM
dickusmc@cox.net dickusmc@cox.net is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Phoenix, Az
Posts: 17
Favorite of all jokes

My favorite of all jokes:

O B A M A
Reply With Quote
  #223  
Old 04-08-2009, 03:07 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.


He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.


'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.



'They're mating,' her father replied.



'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.



'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.



'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.



As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'



'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.


'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said.



















__________________


Reply With Quote
  #224  
Old 04-12-2009, 05:29 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJJL5dxgVaM
hope this this is funny to you
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #225  
Old 04-14-2009, 06:09 AM
KL51 KL51 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NE Illinois
Posts: 22
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
__________________
Semper Fi
Reply With Quote
  #226  
Old 04-21-2009, 04:44 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 86
NASA was celebrating, they had just made the scientific breakthrough of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.

"Mr. President," he said, grinning broadly, "after fifteen years of hard research costing billions of dollars, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.

He said, "But that's impossible ... we could never do it. ... yes Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars ... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
__________________
BEARSWIFE
Linda
Reply With Quote
  #227  
Old 04-22-2009, 06:39 AM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
_*TIME SERVED*_
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

After a little search, she finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He looked so pensive and just staring at the wall.

She watches him wiping a tear-bead from his eye while sipping his coffee.

"What's the matter, honey?" she asks as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us both when we are in the back seat of my car!!!???"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today".
***************
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #228  
Old 04-24-2009, 05:18 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
Talking

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and hide him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #229  
Old 04-24-2009, 05:39 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,


'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' And 'realistically'?'





The father thought for a moment, then answered,


'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars .





Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'





So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'





The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'





The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'





The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'





The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'



'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'



The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.



His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'







The boy replied, 'Yes'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .



But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #230  
Old 04-25-2009, 06:18 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
7 degrees of Blonde
>

> > FIRST DEGREE

> > A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles

> > from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?'

> > The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

> >

> SECOND DEGREE

> > Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,"Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

> > The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

> > The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

> >

> THIRD DEGREE

> > A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,

> > she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

> > The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

> > The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

> >

> FOURTH DEGREE

> > A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

> > She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'

> > A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

> > The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'

> >

> FIFTH DEGREE

> > Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was

> > pregnant?

> > A: 'Is it mine?'

> SIXTH DEGREE

> Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US

> > Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

> > Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision

> > George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

> >

> SEVENTH DEGREE

> > Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

> > As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help,and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #231  
Old 04-27-2009, 06:12 AM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
Talking The circus owner runs an add

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and
only two people show up.
One is a older retired marine in his
late 60s and the other is a gorgeous blond in her
mid-twenties.

The circus owner
tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious
lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're
history. Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who
wants to try out first?

The girl says, "I'll
go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps
right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and
begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead
in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her
feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for
several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus
owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display
like that in my life!" He then turns to the retired marine
and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the
tough old marine, "just get that lion out of the way."
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #232  
Old 04-27-2009, 06:30 AM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
Talking Moose verses the V.F.W.

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says: "Did you know that Moose have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw shit...," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #233  
Old 04-30-2009, 03:38 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
Talking the math of today

Fifty Years of Math1957 - 2007 (in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #234  
Old 04-30-2009, 03:42 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
Frank comes home from work and his wife says, "I have good news and bad news."
He says, "I'm in no mood for more bad news. Just give me the good news."
She says, "The paperboy isn't sterile."
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #235  
Old 04-30-2009, 03:45 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
Talking

Two nuns are riding on a bus, and the first nun's doing a crossword.
She says to the other nun, "Excuse me, sister. what's a four-letter word meaning woman that ends in 'unt'?"
The other nun says, "Aunt."
The first nun says, "Have you got an eraser?"
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #236  
Old 04-30-2009, 03:48 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
Every night since they've been married, frankie has begged his wife for a blow job, and for twenty-five years she's said no every time. Finally, one night after even more pleading and whining than usual, she gives in, and she blows him. A few minutes after she's done, the phone rings, and frankie answers it.
He hands her the phone, he says, "Here, cocksucker, it's for you."
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #237  
Old 04-30-2009, 03:51 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
Burford gets his jaw badly broken in a barroom brawl, and they have to wire his jaw shut, so he's forced to eat through a tube inserted in his ass.
One day, he mumbles through the wire to his wife, "I gotta have a cup of coffee. I gotta have a cup of coffee."
His wife starts feeding him a cup of coffee through the tube in his ass, and Burford starts kicking and jumping around, going, "Mmph! Mmph!"
She says, "Is it too hot?"
He says, "No, it's too sweet!"
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #238  
Old 04-30-2009, 03:55 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
A farmer goes into town and buys a sack of Spanish Fly to get his stock to breed more. On his way down to the barn, he trips and the entire sack drops down the well. He calls the vet and tells him what happened.
He says, "Doc, the goat's plowing the sow, the bull's pumping the young mare...the animals are all fucking like there's no tomorrow."
The vet says, "Well, geez, man, get out there and throw some cold water on them."
The farmer says, "I can't. My wife is using the pump handle."
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #239  
Old 04-30-2009, 03:57 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
Dirty Johnny's mother catches him playing with himself.
She says, "Johnny, don't do that. Save it 'til you're 21."
By the time he was twenty-one, he had nine jars.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #240  
Old 04-30-2009, 04:05 PM
Marine1955's Avatar
Marine1955 Marine1955 is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: S.W. Kansas
Posts: 814
After a long cattle drive, a cowboy goes into a fancy Dallas restaurant for dinner. He sits in the only seat left, and it's next to a snotty woman, who's obviously a rich horse breeder.
She says to the waiter, "I'll have breast of fowl, virgin fowl. Make sure it's virgin. Please catch it yourself. Garnish my plate with onion and chives, and bring me a cup of coffee, not too hot, not too cold. And waiter, open a window. I smell a horse, there must be a cowboy in the house."
The cowboy says to the waiter, "Heym Bucky. I'll have duck, a f**ked duck. Make sure it's f**ked. F**k it yourself. Garnish my plate with horses**t. Then bring me a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, and blow the foam off with a fart. And Bucky, knock the damn wall down. I smell a c**t. There must be a wh**e in the house."
__________________


Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Just have to share... Cpl Miller Open Channel 5 12-18-2010 05:48 PM
The Murtha Airport Bailout what a Joke !! Marine1955 Open Channel 4 10-07-2009 07:20 AM
Have to share this with you.... Cpl Miller Open Channel 2 03-23-2009 01:15 AM
II MEF Marines share holiday traditions MARINE42 Marines Only 0 12-12-2006 12:10 PM


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 03:27 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright & Copy 2006-2019, Yellow Foot Prints, All Rights Reserved
You Rated this Thread: