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Communicate with your Brothers/sister Marines.

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  #501  
Old 11-15-2015, 04:04 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives who love sex.


The second floor has wives who love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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  #502  
Old 11-16-2015, 03:59 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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"Lion Tamer
Wanted"

A circus
owner runs an ad for a "Lion Tamer Wanted" and two
people show up. One is an old
Marine in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous
brunette with a great
body in her twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to
sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He
ate my last tamer so
you two had better be good or you're history.
"Here's your equipment… a
chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out
first?"
The gorgeous
brunette says, "I'll go first." She
walks past the chair, the whip and the
gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion
gets all heated up,
starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As
he gets close, the
gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her
beautiful, perfect naked
body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly
crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to
lick and kiss every
inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and
rests his head at her
feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says,
"That's
amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my
life!" Then he
turns to the old Marine and asks, "Can you top
that?"

The tough old
Marine replies…
"Possibly...
but you've got to get that lion out of there
first."
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  #503  
Old 11-17-2015, 04:34 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Veterinarian Late Night Vet Call

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat,” agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me," he replied.
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  #504  
Old 11-20-2015, 04:15 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's
stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said,"Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
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  #505  
Old 11-21-2015, 06:17 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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the Brand new edition of..."You know you're a redneck when......"

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
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  #506  
Old 11-25-2015, 09:04 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, holly madison said, "i have my own reality show and iam the smartest and prettiest woman at playboy, so americans don't want me to die."she took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, john mccain , said, "i'm a senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite navy unit from the united states of america ." so he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, barack obama said, "i am the president of the united states and i am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the 'anointed one'. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, billy graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl , "i have lived a full life and served my god the best i could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. "the little girl said, "that's okay, mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest president took my schoolbag ."
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  #507  
Old 11-26-2015, 04:37 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of solo golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said. 'Where', he asked. 'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'
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  #508  
Old 11-27-2015, 08:45 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Little Hodakio


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he
said.

"Very good! -- Who said,' Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth."

Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more
difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what
you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F.
Kennedy, 1961".

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves. Little Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about
our history than you do".

She heard a loud whisper:"F_ _ k the Japs".

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded.

Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945".

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke".


The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,

1991".

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say
anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson
to the children testifying against him, 2004".

The teacher fainted.

As-the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh
shit, we're F-- ked!"

Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008, when
Obama was elected".
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  #509  
Old 12-04-2015, 04:21 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Location: Joliet, IL
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ITALIAN HONEYMOON


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.
She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket .

The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining Car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da Dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga Cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga Cigar.Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..
'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."
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  #510  
Old 12-05-2015, 05:45 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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don't loan your tools!!!

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) and I noticed a diaper-headed individual who looked Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"

“You'll never believe what I've just seen,” I said.

“That son of a bitch next door still has my shovel.”
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  #511  
Old 12-07-2015, 04:31 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Location: Joliet, IL
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The Hooker
An Illegal Immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how mucha you chargefora hour, ?"
He asks.
"$100" she replies.

In broken English, he says,
"You do immigrant style?

"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 you do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400.

"No," she says.

So finally he says,

"OK, I pay $1,000 you do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world.
How bad could immigrant style be?
So she agrees and has sex with him.
Finally, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
"Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies,
"You senda bill to Government."



AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYER,
IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL
IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US!

Screwing us and we pay!
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  #512  
Old 12-08-2015, 06:22 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A female CNN journalist heard about an older Jewish man who had been going to
the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,
walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she
approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to
love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put
the interests of the people ahead of their own
interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
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  #513  
Old 12-10-2015, 06:31 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in
the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded
me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that
the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he
was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I
gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and
That it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected,
but then I heard his voice,"Are you kidding me?" he barked,
"I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,
"Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that
I didn't steal your damn car!"
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  #514  
Old 12-11-2015, 04:01 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
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  #515  
Old 12-12-2015, 06:01 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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MATURE LADY DRIVER!!!!!! BRILLIANT


A mature (over 70) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
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  #516  
Old 12-14-2015, 03:38 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked "What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later they passed some people who remarked "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk". So they decided they'd both walk.

Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride." So they both decided to ride the donkey.

They passed some people who shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey." The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey; the donkey fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.
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  #517  
Old 12-15-2015, 05:08 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!"
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  #518  
Old 12-16-2015, 03:15 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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After a few too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour"
A chap called Bill notices green lumps on his willy.
So off he goes to the doctor.

The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and Rugby players get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" says Bill, nodding seriously.

"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts.
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  #519  
Old 12-16-2015, 09:29 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic. An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!
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  #520  
Old 12-18-2015, 12:56 PM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!
I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.
The agent is awe-struck.
Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.
I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke
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