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  #461  
Old 09-09-2015, 07:05 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A Doctors Lecture
-------------------------

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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  #462  
Old 09-09-2015, 07:06 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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An
elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%
The elderly gentleman went
back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is
perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear
again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh,
I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen
to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!'
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  #463  
Old 09-09-2015, 07:07 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for
patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I
found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave
the hospital.
After a chat about rules
being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator.
On the way down I asked him
if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said.
'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital
gown.'
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  #464  
Old 09-09-2015, 07:10 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Nominated as the world's best short joke:

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he
asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
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  #465  
Old 09-09-2015, 08:17 AM
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Cpl Miller Cpl Miller is offline
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OK THAT was a good one...keep'em coming.....
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Cpl Miller 1964 - 1970 USMC
gmiller@yellowfootprints.com
www.militarycommcenter.com
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  #466  
Old 09-10-2015, 12:54 PM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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My grandmother died in her late 80's but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce: The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5 cents she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning off the driveway. Her soothing hands when I would get hurt.
But the thing I remember most was her sage advice. Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying a cookie and a Coke. She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. "Always remember this, she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small fingers & hands."
"How come, Grandma?"
She smiled and said gently, "Makes your dick look bigger."
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  #467  
Old 09-10-2015, 01:12 PM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Growing up is a weird journey. How you define success will change. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65.

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.


At age 16 success is having a driver’s license.


At age 20 success is having sex.


At age 35 success is having money.



At age 60 success is having money.

At age 70 success is having sex.


At age 80 success is having a driver’s license.


At age 85 success is having friends.


At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants.

It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.
Share this hilarious truth about life with others
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  #468  
Old 09-11-2015, 05:51 PM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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SWISHING




A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says:
"Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my
husband seems to lose his temper for
no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says:
"I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting
angry, just take a glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it
until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.

The woman says:
"Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time
my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and
swished,
and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says:
"The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
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  #469  
Old 09-12-2015, 07:37 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humour.




Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
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  #470  
Old 09-14-2015, 03:56 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
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  #471  
Old 09-15-2015, 05:34 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar and grab a booth. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says:
“The media is really tearing you apart for that scandal.”
Hillary: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean SEAL Team 6?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean voter fraud?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean Obama arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Obama’s ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Obama’s threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Obama’s repeated violation of the law requiring me to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Obama’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck citizens again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?”
Trump: “THAT’S THE ONE!”
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  #472  
Old 09-16-2015, 08:40 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds'
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  #473  
Old 09-16-2015, 12:19 PM
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Cpl Miller Cpl Miller is offline
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David,

I'll bet you were the barracks jokster......ha ha
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www.militarycommcenter.com
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  #474  
Old 09-21-2015, 08:28 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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I didn't do a lot of jokes back then but I sure enjoy them now.
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  #475  
Old 09-21-2015, 08:28 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that thar 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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  #476  
Old 09-22-2015, 05:23 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A wise person once said:
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the
best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

> 2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend
on a cold night after a few drinks - Priceless.

> 3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

> 4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.


5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

> 6. On average, an American man under75 will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese!
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  #477  
Old 09-26-2015, 08:53 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Dear Dr Phil:
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
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  #478  
Old 09-27-2015, 06:46 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I met a girl at our local pub. One thing led to another and I fvcked her. She then told me her name was Penny. Is that spooky or what?
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  #479  
Old 09-28-2015, 04:19 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes. Then the guy says, "I can't believe they fvcked my wife after only five beers!"
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  #480  
Old 10-09-2015, 05:40 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your a**, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!
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