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  #81  
Old 05-06-2008, 12:41 PM
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Cool Point Taken!

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, "Well, we had Iwo Jima ."

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, "We had the Battle of Midway."

"Not entirely true", responded the Marine. "Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot* killed at the Battle of Midway."

The sailor responds, "Point taken."

The Marine then says, "We Marines were born at Tun Tavern!"

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, "But we had John Paul Jones."

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Navy invented sex!"

The Marine replies, "That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women."
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  #82  
Old 05-08-2008, 07:53 AM
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Cool Be Careful Out There!

Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th , & 29th. Also April 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each.
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  #83  
Old 05-27-2008, 01:16 PM
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Wonder what made her mad ?
A man and his wife were driving home one very
cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was
a
baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if
it
was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to
death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'OK, get in the car with it.'
The wife says, 'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'
'But
what about the smell?' said the wife.
He says, 'Just hold its little nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him
with
died at the scene.
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  #84  
Old 07-25-2008, 06:07 PM
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NOZZLE RAGE::::

http://nozzlerage.com/
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  #85  
Old 07-25-2008, 06:10 PM
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer said.

The little old lady driver replied, "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
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  #86  
Old 11-05-2008, 01:23 PM
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Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone...

And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard… "
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  #87  
Old 01-15-2009, 07:37 AM
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little johnny to the rescue

YOU WILL LAUGH OUT LOUD!!

Catholic education and a #2 pencil

Little Susie was not the best studentin Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping
Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.


And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Susie jumped up and shouted,



If you stick that damn thing in me one more time , I'll break it in half! The nun fainted
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  #88  
Old 01-15-2009, 07:45 AM
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the bus ride

An old man got on a bus in New York City and was riding along when the bus stopped and let this young man on. The old man looked at him and saw that he had pink, blue, green and yellow hair with different color feathers on him. Without saying a word he just shook his head.

The young man look at the old man and said "What's wrong old man, haven't you ever done anything wild before?"

The old man looked back at him and said "Yes, I did. When was in the Marines I went to South America and screwed a parrot, and I thought you might be my son.."
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  #89  
Old 01-15-2009, 07:48 AM
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things you can say only at thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. That's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen......
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  #90  
Old 01-15-2009, 07:52 AM
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Baby's first doctor visit

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the

doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.





The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a

little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.





'Breast-fed,' she replied.





'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.





She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts

for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.





Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is

underweight. You don't have any milk.'







I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,







but I'm glad I came
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  #91  
Old 01-15-2009, 08:28 AM
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pan cakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared

to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large

stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.
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  #92  
Old 01-15-2009, 08:31 AM
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an the fight started

Subject: And then that's when the fight started



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.


And then the fight started...



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.


And then the fight started...



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.


And then the fight started...




After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'



And then the fight started...



[My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"



And that's when the fight started....
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  #93  
Old 01-15-2009, 09:11 AM
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the wedding test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our

daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
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  #94  
Old 01-15-2009, 09:14 AM
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so sad, but true

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY:

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ''William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'.. I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"
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Old 01-15-2009, 12:22 PM
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hobo's lament

Three hobos are sittin' in the railyard, reminiscing on their best day riding the rails. The first one says, "One time I was riding this freight train, and a few cars derailed. There were canned goods everywhere! I collected enough food to live high on the hog for months!" The second says, "Well, one time a few of us were sittin' around, just like this, and a passenger train blew by. A hundred dollar bill flew out the window, and landed right beside me! I felt like I was rich!" The two look at the third guy and ask, "What about you? What was your best day?" He paused and said," This one time, I was walking the rails, when I came upon a woman tied up on the tracks, just like in a cartoon or something! I untied her, took her off into the bushes, and I nailed her all night!" The other two hobos are amazed! One asks his buddy, "Did you get any head?" He replied, "No, I never did find that part."
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Old 01-15-2009, 12:27 PM
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very funny, watch and laugh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POi2nscLCXg
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  #97  
Old 01-15-2009, 12:30 PM
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Kids

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What
are
you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little
nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I
was
born. Couldn't walk for a year .
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Old 01-15-2009, 12:32 PM
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this is a true story

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, " I
have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat
shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it
dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked
four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into
the car and then drove to the police station. The
sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the
counter where four pale men were reporting a
carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and
carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS!
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Old 01-15-2009, 12:37 PM
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the regular

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."
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Old 01-15-2009, 12:42 PM
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the wife and the mailman

It's near christmas & the mailman is delivering packages. A
woman opens the door in a sexy neglige and invites him in.
Surprised, he follows her to the bedroom where they proceed
to have sex. After it's over, the woman hands him a dollar.
The mailman, puzzled, asked why? The woman replied, "well,
while I was making my shopping list I asked my husband,
honey, what should we give that nice mailman for christmas?"
and he replied, "f_ck the mailman, give him a dollar!"
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