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  #61  
Old 11-06-2007, 01:17 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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IDIOT'S SEX GUIDE

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.

2. There is no need for dice in role playing.

3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.

4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.

5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.

6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.

7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.

8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.

9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.

10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.
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  #62  
Old 11-06-2007, 01:21 PM
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MARRIAGE ADVICE BY KIDS

(As answered by elementary school students)

How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

What is the Right Age To Get Married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6

How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?

Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

How Would You Make a Marriage Work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

- Ricky, age 10
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  #63  
Old 11-07-2007, 03:45 PM
booksbenji
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Unhappy Bad Humpday



I rear-ended a car this morning on my way to work.

I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!

He was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well……which one ARE you then?"

And that's how the fight started.


That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!

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  #64  
Old 11-07-2007, 08:26 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
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  #65  
Old 11-08-2007, 02:45 PM
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GOING BRA SHOPPING

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
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  #66  
Old 11-08-2007, 02:49 PM
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BUSY BULLS

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."
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  #67  
Old 11-08-2007, 06:06 PM
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THE FINAL EXAM





You teachers are going to love this one!!





At Penn State University , there were
four sophomores taking chemistry


and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so
confident


that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and


have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty


partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State


until early Monday morning.


Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final


they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that


they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.


As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could


make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They


studied that night for the exam.


The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test


booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.


Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going


to be easy.... then they turned the page.


On the second page was written.... For 95 points:


Which tire? _________
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  #68  
Old 11-28-2007, 05:56 AM
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Talking

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What i in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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  #69  
Old 12-10-2007, 06:00 PM
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A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
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  #70  
Old 12-10-2007, 06:02 PM
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A young businessman had just started his own business. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!"
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  #71  
Old 12-11-2007, 12:16 PM
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It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.

"That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy.

"How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?"

"Before the store opened," replied the defendant!!
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  #72  
Old 12-11-2007, 12:18 PM
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While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."
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  #73  
Old 12-11-2007, 08:16 PM
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MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital

Please select from the following options me nu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you
care.

Well, my job is double done ....Your turn.
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  #74  
Old 12-13-2007, 08:59 PM
terry slota terry slota is offline
 
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3 ducks walk into a bar, the bartender asks the first duck

what his name is, he says Huey, and the bartender says, how is

your day going so far? he says i've been in and out of puddles

all day long, what else could a duck ask for. the bartender asks

the next duck what his name was, he say Dewey. and the

bartender asks, how is your day going so far, he says great,

i've been in and out of puddles all day long also, he then

asks the third duck, so your name is Louie, she says no, my name

is Puddles, can we get a drink here?????
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  #75  
Old 12-18-2007, 06:32 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas


On my first day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

Some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my second day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my third day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my forth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my fifth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my sixth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my seventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eighth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my ninth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my tenth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my eleventh day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 manly dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.

On my twelfth day of Christmas... pa gave to me,

12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 TURKEY WINGS
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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  #76  
Old 01-17-2008, 07:25 AM
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog.
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  #77  
Old 01-18-2008, 12:43 PM
booksbenji
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Talking An old 1 but still funny



Smart girl!!


Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she
asks,"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"


Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"


"Osama Bin Laden," she says.


"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.


And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."


"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot him."
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  #78  
Old 01-18-2008, 12:45 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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Two guys, Joe & Bill went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Joe wakes his faithful friend and says, "Bill, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Bill replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Joe.

Bill ponders for a minute, and then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.

Theologically, it's evident the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Joe?"

Joe is silent for a moment, then says, "Bill, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent"!
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  #79  
Old 01-24-2008, 03:00 PM
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A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $2,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with 'Carnation Milk is best of all....
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms..I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house; a man got out and said, 'Congratulations, Carnation loved your entry so much, we are here to award you $2000, even though we will not be able to use it...'

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  #80  
Old 04-29-2008, 01:45 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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Drivers License

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
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