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  #41  
Old 04-29-2007, 11:06 PM
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One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of
The rascally behavior that was going on. So he called
One of his angels to go to earth for a time. When he
Returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95%
Are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better
Send down another angel to get a second opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for
a time, too. When the angel returned he went to God
And said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline;
95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who
Were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give
Them a little something to help them keep going.


Do you know what the email said?



No?










Okay, just wondering......I didn't get one either
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  #42  
Old 05-15-2007, 12:09 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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TEXAS WISDOM



1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

2. Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

9. Don't squat with your spurs on.

10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.
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  #43  
Old 05-15-2007, 12:12 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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JUST A COUPLE OF BEERS...



A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.

But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers ? That's a laugh," she replied.

"You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."
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  #44  
Old 05-22-2007, 12:57 PM
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Lets go have sound on

Lets go


http://www.kerman94.com/mexicotourism.html
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  #45  
Old 05-23-2007, 01:45 PM
booksbenji
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I luv it sending it everywear!!!

Si Senor
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  #46  
Old 06-13-2007, 03:13 PM
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LITTLE OLD LADY

LITTLE OLD LADY

>A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
>garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
>There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill
>is flying out of it onto the pavement.
>
>Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
>falling out of that bag..."
>
>"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
>can still find some.. Thanks for the warning!"
>
>"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
>"Did you steal it?"
>
>"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
>the parking lot of the football stadium.
>Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes,
>right into my flower beds!"
>"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
>each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:
>$20 or off it comes!"
>
>"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. OK, good luck!
>By the way, what's in the other bag?"
>
>"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
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  #47  
Old 06-20-2007, 01:33 PM
booksbenji
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Thumbs up Marines and the BSP*

A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the military.


He bought a plane ticket to Fort Jackson, SC thinking he would start by working his way across the USA.

On his first day he was inside the Base Chapel taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read "$10,000 per call."

The man, being intrigued, asked a soldier who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The solider replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The man thanked him and went on his way.

Next, he stopped at Andrews Air Force Base in Washington, DC. There, at a very large Chapel, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He asked a nearby Airman what this phone's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the man, and left.

He then traveled to Ft. Leonard Wood, MO, Wright Patterson AFB, OH, Annapolis, MD, and Naval Air Station Oceana, VA. In every chapel he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

Upon leaving Oceana, he decided to travel to a Marine base to see if he would find the same phone. He arrived onboard MCB Camp Lejeune, NC and while waiting to visit the base chapel, he was invited into the Enlisted Club.

There was the same golden telephone. This time, however, the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The man was surprised.

Just then, a Gunnery Sergeant walked in and he asked about the sign.

"Gunny, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many chapels on many different military installations. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the Army, the Air Force, and even the Navy, the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The Gunny smiled and answered, "You're on a Marine Base now son, it's a local call."


* GOD for y'all dummies

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  #48  
Old 06-20-2007, 02:41 PM
booksbenji
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Thumbs up The Gunny

The old Gunnery Sergeant was bragging to the private one day and he said, "You know, I know everyone important that there is to know, why ... you just name someone, anyone and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, the private decided to called his bluff ... "Okay, Gunny, how about Tom Cruise"?

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

So they hop in the Gunny's car and drive up to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Gunny ... great to see you ... you and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, the private is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells the Gunny that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," the Gunny says."

"OK, President Bush!" the private quickly retorts.

"Yep, I know him, let's fly back to Washington and I'll prove it."

So, the Gunny procures a few seats on a military plane going to Washington and off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots them on the tour and motions them over, saying, "Well, Gunny, what a surprise ... I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and that private come on in, let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up on old times."

Well, the private is in awe by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses His doubts to the Gunny, who again implores him to go ahead and name anyone else.

"The new Pope," the private replies.

"Sure, I've known the Pope a long time."

So, off they go to Andrews AFB and the Gunny gets them seats on a plane to Rome.

They're assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when the Gunny says, "This will never work -- I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people ... tell you what, I know all of his Guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

Sure enough, half an hour later, the Gunny emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But, by the time he returns, he finds that the private has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to the private's side, the Gunny asks him, "What the he*l happened?"

The private looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the tourist next to me asked ... "Who's that Guy on the balcony next to the Gunny"?

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  #49  
Old 07-07-2007, 02:53 PM
booksbenji
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Thumbs up Computer Dependency




This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.



Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...



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Look down, dummy, not scroll down !
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  #50  
Old 07-08-2007, 07:20 AM
Subic76 Subic76 is offline
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Oops!
I scrolled.
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  #51  
Old 07-30-2007, 05:43 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act aboard a cruise ship. He had been there for several years, and since the crowd was in continual change, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sense, spending most his time out on the Promenade Deck working on his tan, not new tricks.

One day the Captain bought a parrot, and over the months brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic show.

Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks as to where the
cards, flower, etc. were hidden by the magician in his act. The bird would
say, "The card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid
the money under his shoe..." Because the parrot would only take about a
week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was forced to
continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his "sun time." To put it mildly he hated the darn
parrot, but since it was the Captain's he couldn't just weigh the bird down
and drown it.

Late one night the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes.
Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in
the water surrounded by darkness. Alas, he was the only one left alive!

As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around what should be
sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log--his arch nemesis, the
parrot!

They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days and neither said a word, just glared.

On the fourth day the parrot finally broke the silence and said, "Okay! I
give up. What did you do with the ship?"
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  #52  
Old 07-31-2007, 01:01 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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An Alabama State Trooper pulled over a pickup truck on I-20 and asked the driver, "Got any ID?"
The Alabama driver replied, "'bout what?"
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  #53  
Old 07-31-2007, 01:15 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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One PAYDAY MR.GOODBAR wanted a BIT-O-HONEY so he took miss HERSHEY'S behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and 5thAVENUE. He began to feel her MOUNDS with his BUTTERFINGER. That was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL and he let out a SNICKER as she screamed " OH HENRY" while squeezing his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. Miss HERSHEY'S said: you are even better than the 3 MUSKATEERS. Soon she was a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.
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  #54  
Old 08-24-2007, 12:22 PM
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TENJOOBERRYMUDS"
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...
In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in. Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and a call to room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I... don't think so."
Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
Room Service: "Wad? !?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."
Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy... rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do don't you!
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  #55  
Old 08-24-2007, 05:25 PM
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BTDT and hated every minute of it.
LMBO
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  #56  
Old 09-01-2007, 08:45 AM
tripledog tripledog is offline
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You will get it.

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a
tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in
Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them
one last request before they were beheaded.

Katie Couric said, "Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd
like one last plate of fried chicken." The leader nodded to an
underling who left and returned with the chicken.
Couric ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Charlie Gibson said, "I'm living in New York, so
I'd like to hear the song; "The Moon and New York City" one last
time". The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist
who had studied the Western world and knew the
music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and
played the song. Gibson sighed and declared he could
now die peacefully.

Brian Williams said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out
my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to
happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it
and know that I was on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
Williams dictated his comments. He then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your
final wish?"

"Kick me in the a**," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the a**," insisted
the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the a**.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.
In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his
M4 carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire.
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place?
Why did you ask him to kick you in the a**?"

"What?" replied the Marine, "and have you three a**-holes report that
I was the aggressor?"
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  #57  
Old 09-03-2007, 07:48 AM
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too much scanning this AM....

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way. Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psycho Path

How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Chees e.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers .

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
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  #58  
Old 09-29-2007, 05:11 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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Big People Words


A group of kindergartners was trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the
teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People
words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People words."

She then asked little Zach what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHITe"......
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  #59  
Old 10-14-2007, 09:24 PM
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Smile

Hopefully, you can help me with this.....


I'm trying to find out which Home Depot sells this mirror!!!

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  #60  
Old 11-06-2007, 01:07 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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CODE WORD FOR SEX

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

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Last edited by bearswife; 11-06-2007 at 01:14 PM.
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