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  #541  
Old 01-24-2016, 07:43 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Ghost Sex

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
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  #542  
Old 01-25-2016, 06:27 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was

giving a lecture on

'Involuntary Muscle

Contraction' to the first

year medical students.



This was not an exciting subject and the professor

decided to lighten up the

mood.


He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,

'Do you know what your

asshole is doing while you're having an

orgasm?'


She replied, 'Probably golfing with his

buddies.'


It took 45 minutes to restore order in the

classroom.
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  #543  
Old 01-27-2016, 01:16 PM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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HOW OLD GUYS PICK UP WOMEN

I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore.
Some would even say I'm a little frayed around the edges....


But, I have a nice car, a little money, and I spend most of my time
casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life.

I met a nice looking girl in the park the other evening. There was
an instant spark between us.

All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought .....


"Wow, these Taser guns are really worth the money!!"
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  #544  
Old 01-29-2016, 05:24 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Subject: Golf foursomes

WORST FOURSOME EVER
1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

WHY, YOU ASK?

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
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  #545  
Old 01-30-2016, 04:22 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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SENIOR'S DAY AT THE COURSEDavid Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Arizona, you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
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  #546  
Old 02-01-2016, 03:50 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer..

Golf ! You hit down to make the ball go up.You swing left and the ball goes right.The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip ......... Your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... Neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure.One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.The next day you go out and for no reason at all your game really stinks!

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
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  #547  
Old 02-03-2016, 03:41 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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The "F" Word


When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only ten times in history where the"F"word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

10. "What the @#$* do you mean, were sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912


9. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945


8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877




7. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938




6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926




5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC





4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566





3. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937





2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC





1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998
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  #548  
Old 02-05-2016, 09:31 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Let's Hope This Happens To All Of Us!
Untitled.jpg

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them M F ERS"
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  #549  
Old 02-06-2016, 05:25 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't
get old by being stupid...

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
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  #550  
Old 02-08-2016, 06:06 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.a

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.


Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look .... . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.


He ran as fast as he could along the path.
He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him ....


He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer .... and then ..... He tripped and fell.


Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him .........
reaching towards him with its left paw ..... and raising the right paw to strike ...



At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped ...
The bear froze ......
The forest was silent ....

A bright light shone upon the man,
and a voice came out of the sky ...

"You deny my existence for all these years,
you teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident ........
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
"Am I to count you as a believer?"


The atheist looked directly into the light ....
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now ...
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"


... a pause ...

"Very well," said the voice ...


The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed ....
the bear dropped his right arm ...
brought both paws together ...
bowed his head & spoke...


"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive.
Amen."
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  #551  
Old 02-09-2016, 04:38 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of ‎the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read...
"Suits 5.00 each, Shirts 3.00 each, Trousers 4.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal "Mick look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet,okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.

They go in and Paddy says in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 3.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 4.50 each. And oyll back up me truck ready to load'em on, so ‎I will"
The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland aren't you?"

"Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied "This is a dry cleaners."
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  #552  
Old 02-10-2016, 10:10 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!
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  #553  
Old 02-13-2016, 09:34 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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IRISH OR ITALIAN ...?

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola,
whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.
In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland,
Antonio was born in Italy .

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world,
but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy
in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal
was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died,
it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney
and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that
Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of
Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session
with them in which he candidly asked: "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not
bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called .........,
(wait for it ........)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
POPE SE-COLA !
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  #554  
Old 02-22-2016, 04:24 AM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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A foursome of men waited at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting in front of them -- taking their time.
When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet.
Then she went over and missed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.
She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.
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  #555  
Old 03-03-2016, 02:15 PM
David R 1968 David R 1968 is offline
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I became confused when I heard the word"Service"used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U..S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us .
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  #556  
Old 06-08-2017, 06:03 PM
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Marine72_81 Marine72_81 is offline
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really good ones here.
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