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Communicate with your Brothers/sister Marines.

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  #21  
Old 11-07-2006, 06:39 PM
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During the Mexican American War, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances.

Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled, "Hey, Juan!"

A soldier jumped up and replied, "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out, "Hey, John!"

An American replied, "John isn't here. Is that you Juan?"

The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah".......
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  #22  
Old 11-14-2006, 07:22 PM
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After a lengthy tour of sea duty, an old sailor finally gets some shore leave. Fortunately, a nearby brothel had been recommended to him by some of his younger shipmates.

The old sailor walked over to the brothel where he chose his girl and began. "How am I doing?" he asked her.

"Three knots," she replied.

"Three knots? What does that mean?" asked the sailor.

The girl answered, "You're not hard--You're not in---And you're not getting your money back."
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  #23  
Old 11-14-2006, 07:25 PM
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An older Army general recently went to the doctor for his yearly physical. Before he began, the doctor asked the old general the standard questions: age, height, weight. Then the army doc asked when was the last time the general had sexual relations.

"Oh," the general mused, "It was 1945."

"Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked.

The general replied, "I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13."
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  #24  
Old 11-15-2006, 02:19 PM
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"em TEXICAN Wiminns

Being a Texican, I could not pass this 1 up:

3 men were sitting at together at the watering hole(bar), bragging on their new wives duties at the hooch(home).

The 1st man married a woman from Colorado, and bragged that he has told his wife that she was going have to do all of the dishes, housecleaning and have supper on the table at 6PM. The Texican asks, "How long did that take?"

He said it took a couple of days but the dishes was cleaned and put away, the house was clean and supper was awaiting.

The 2nd man married and Okie woman and told he on honeymoon tha she was to do all of the cooking, houseingcleaning and supper ready. On the 1st day no results, the 2nd day was a little better, house was cleaned. on the 3rd day the house was cleaned, dishes done and huge feast on the dinner table.

The Texican marries a Texican woman, and he told her on the honeymoon that she was to do the housecleaning, mow the lawn, supper on the table, laundry done every day and shirts pressed. He did not see the on 1st day see anything. The 2nd day he still did not see anything. By the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down,and could see a little out of the left eye. He could see enough to do sum laundry, fixed a little bite to eat, run the vac, load the dishwasher and get and mow the front lawn.


I just love 'em liberated Texas wiminns
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  #25  
Old 11-28-2006, 02:45 PM
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Thumbs up A DA*N FINE EXPLAINATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a
good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same"

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me! with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"




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  #26  
Old 11-29-2006, 07:46 PM
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Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
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  #27  
Old 12-04-2006, 03:33 PM
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Talking Late at nite

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:



BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...



Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...



Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him



FASTER...



FASTER...



BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.



However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping



clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...



on his heels, the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.



Bumping and clapping toward him.



The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!



Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



and,



(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)



The coffin stops

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  #28  
Old 12-06-2006, 10:30 AM
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HOW TRUE HOW TRUE!

HOW TRUE HOW TRUE!




A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas .
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense!!
Deputy says," License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says,
"The difference is,you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.

" Deputysays, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Don't Mess With Texas
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  #29  
Old 12-15-2006, 11:48 AM
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The priest in a small Irish village loved the c o c k and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the c o c k went missing. The priest knew that c o ck fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a co ck?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a co ck?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anyabody seen a co ck that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY co ck?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
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  #30  
Old 01-15-2007, 11:39 AM
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PARROT

.
Jerry received a parrot for his birthday.

The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least very rude.

Jerry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and became even more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Jerry put the parrot in the FREEZER.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was a quiet.........

-Not a sound for half a minute. Jerry was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jerry's extended arm and said,"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Jerry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made the difference and caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?????"
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  #31  
Old 01-27-2007, 10:03 AM
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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight to
the counter and says, "Hi... you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided.

"You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You
will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment
above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

Social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

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  #32  
Old 02-07-2007, 12:23 PM
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Talking Marines, Air farce and a bar



Four soldiers are walking down the street. They see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" so they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini. He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 10 cents." They can't believe their good luck. They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 10 cents."

This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for ten cents apiece?"

The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Air Force Warrant Officer and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit OzLotto for $13 million and decided to open this place for veterans. Every drink costs ten cents. Wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything. They ask, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are Marines; they're waiting for happy hour."


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  #33  
Old 02-27-2007, 12:44 PM
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For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
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  #34  
Old 02-27-2007, 12:47 PM
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One evening, the rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
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  #35  
Old 03-15-2007, 01:10 PM
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There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said, "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.

"Not bad," said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said, "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT!"
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  #36  
Old 03-26-2007, 02:12 PM
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President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House; he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
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  #37  
Old 03-30-2007, 05:55 PM
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EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT AFTER WORK, BUBBA WOULD FIRE UP HIS OUTDOOR GRILL
AND COOK A VENISON STEAK. BUT, ALL OF BUBBA'S NEIGHBORS WERE
CATHOLIC....AND SINCE IT WAS LENT, THEY WERE FORBIDDEN FROM EATING MEAT
ON FRIDAY.

THE DELICIOUS AROMA FROM THE GRILLED VENISON STEAKS WAS CAUSING SUCH A
PROBLEM FOR THE CATHOLIC FAITHFUL THAT THEY FINALLY TALKED TO THEIR
PRIEST.

THE PRIEST CAME TO VISIT BUBBA, AND SUGGESTED THAT HE BECOME A
CATHOLIC.
AFTER SEVERAL CLASSES AND MUCH STUDY, BUBBA ATTENDED MASS....


.AND AS THE PRIEST SPRINKLED HOLY WATER OVER HIM, HE SAID, "YOU WERE
BORN A BAPTIST, AND RAISED A BAPTIST, BUT NOW YOU ARE A CATHOLIC.

"BUBBA'S NEIGHBORS WERE GREATLY RELIEVED, UNTIL FRIDAY NIGHT ARRIVED,
AND THE WONDERFUL AROMA OF GRILLED VENISON AGAIN FILLED THE
NEIGHBORHOOD.

THE PRIEST WAS CALLED IMMEDIATELY BY THE NEIGHBORS, AND, AS HE RUSHED
INTO BUBBA'S YARD, CLUTCHING A ROSARY AND PREPARED TO SCOLD HIM, HE
STOPPED AND WATCHED IN AMAZEMENT.

THERE STOOD BUBBA, CLUTCHING A SMALL BOTTLE OF HOLY WATER WHICH HE
CAREFULLY SPRINKLED OVER THE GRILLING MEAT AND CHANTED:


"YOU WUZ BORN A DEER, YOU WUZ RAISED A DEER, BUT NOW YOU A CATFISH."
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  #38  
Old 04-03-2007, 06:56 PM
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HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES




Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
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  #39  
Old 04-10-2007, 05:26 AM
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19 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom and don’t disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it, “In.”

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker at work for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for smuggling diamonds.”

7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the Prophecy.”

8. Don’t use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip, rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is, “To Go.”

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme?

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, “I won! I won!”

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”

19. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
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  #40  
Old 04-20-2007, 01:25 PM
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Tennessee Drinking Rule
>> > >>>> >
>> > >>>> > A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the
>> > >>>> > air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He
>> > >>>> > says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to
>> > >>>> > drink from the same glass twice."
>> > >>>> >
>> > >>>> > An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws
> his
>> > >>>> > glass
>> > >>>> > into the
>> > >>>> > air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.
>> > >>>> > He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we
>> > >>>> > don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
>> > >>>> >
>> > >>>> > The Tennessee girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and
>> > >>>> > drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and
>> > >>>> > shoots
>> > >>>> > the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches her glass.
>> > >>>> >
>> > >>>> > She says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and
>> > >>>> > Arabs
>> > >>>> > that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
>> > >>>> >
>> > >>>> > God Bless America!
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