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Communicate with your Brothers/sister Marines.

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  #1  
Old 09-15-2006, 09:36 AM
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Ruling My Life

I know that economics is ruling my life when - I tried to calculate my 3 year old son's discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner - I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundles
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Old 09-18-2006, 03:01 PM
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Economists and Reality

Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a dollar lying on the sidewalk, and says so.

"Obviously not," says the other. "If there were, someone would have picked it up!"
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Old 09-19-2006, 07:06 AM
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The Bull


An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following
> a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a
> sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next
> table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He
> asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
> The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those
> are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
>
>
> The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell,
> I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
> The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one
> serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
> morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will
> be sure to save you this delicacy!"
>
>
> The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and
> then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy
> of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of
> his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
> delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
> you serve yesterday!"
>
>
> The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor.
> Sometimes the bull wins."
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The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of God stands
forever." Isaiah 40:8
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Old 09-19-2006, 12:19 PM
bearswife bearswife is offline
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THE PANTS

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants , handed them to your mother and said,'Here, try these on.' She did and said,'these are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." ....Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here, try these on."..She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."..Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-a$$ attitude, you never will."
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Old 09-21-2006, 07:19 AM
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Old School

Old School

An economist returns to visit his old school. He's interested in the current exam questions and asks his old professor to show some. To his surprise they are exactly the same ones to which he had answered 10 years ago! When he asks about this the professor answers: "the questions are always the same - only the answers change!"
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The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of God stands
forever." Isaiah 40:8
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  #6  
Old 09-22-2006, 10:42 AM
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Error Messages

Error Messages

Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples:
* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.

Guess which has occured?
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The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of God stands
forever." Isaiah 40:8
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  #7  
Old 09-23-2006, 11:45 AM
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
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The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of God stands
forever." Isaiah 40:8
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  #8  
Old 09-23-2006, 03:33 PM
jagsindy jagsindy is offline
 
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A former Marine went to the recruiting office and said he would like to reup. I want to go fight in Iraq. The recruiter said that he was over the age limit and couldn't go. So he hopped in a row boat and started rowing across the Atlantic.

God saw this and said to Saint Peter, what am I going to do, I don't want this guy to get hurt. So Saint Peter told him take his heart, Marines have a lot of heart. So god removes his heart. He just keeps on rowing. God goes Saint Peter he is still rowing what do I do now?

Well take his brain he needs a brain to think. So God takes his brain. He bust out the Marines Hymn and keeps on rowing!

God goes to Saint Peter, what do I do now, I don't want him to get hurt. Saint Peter says, take his balls, Marines have a lot of balls. So God takes his balls. The Old Marine turns his boat and starts singing, "be.. all that you can be... in the army."
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Old 09-23-2006, 03:56 PM
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Old 09-29-2006, 07:43 PM
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BINGO WINNER

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off.

One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless..The guy asked: "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked, "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked, "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied:"I won it at bingo. Please go upstairs and run my bath for me."

His wife came upstairs to find a very small amount of water in the tub . The wife asked:"How come you put so little water in the tub?"

The guy replied: "I didn't want you to wet your bingo card."

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Old 10-01-2006, 11:54 AM
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A blue dress for the blue states

Guest columnist
A blue dress for the blue states

By Andy Borowitz
Syndicated Columnist

In a development that could drastically alter the playing field of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, former White House intern Monica Lewinsky confirmed today that she was considering making a bid for the Democratic nod in 2008.

According to those familiar with her political plans, Lewinsky plans to offer herself as an alternative to the presumptive frontrunner in the race, Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y.

Rumors of Lewinsky's intentions spread like wildfire this week, when the erstwhile intern made a series of stops in New Hampshire, location of the nation's first presidential primary.

Wearing a midnight blue cocktail dress, Lewinsky drew large crowds across the state, suggesting that she could be a real threat to Clinton in a head-to-head race.

"Voters are worn out from George Bush, Iraq and the war on terror," said Democratic voter Jayson Tenzer, who attended one of Lewinsky's New Hampshire rallies. "Monica Lewinsky means good times."

According to Professor Davis Logsdon of the political science department at the University of Minnesota, offering herself as an alternative to Sen. Clinton could be a successful strategy for Lewinsky: "It's worked before."

And while some Democratic insiders worry that Lewinsky lacks the political know-how to be president of the United States, Professor Logsdon does not share those concerns: "Monica Lewinsky has actually had more experience in the Oval Office than Hillary Clinton has."

Elsewhere, one day after President Hugo Chavez appeared at the United Nations and called him "Satan," President Bush said, "I think he has me mixed up with Cheney."

Humorist Andy Borowitz is author of "The Republican Playbook." To find out more about Borowitz, visit www.creators.com
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  #12  
Old 10-01-2006, 01:39 PM
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Ladies, watch what you wear. Guys, watch what you say.

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?


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Old 10-03-2006, 06:45 PM
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TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

09. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

08. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

07. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

06. You can focus better with one eye closed.

05. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

04. You haven't had a drivers license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

03. Roseanne looks good.

02. You don't recognize your spouse unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

01. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
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Old 10-03-2006, 06:53 PM
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SIGNS THAT YOU'RE BROKE

01. American Express calls and says:"Leave home without it!"

02. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.

03. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

04. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.

05. Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.

06. Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.

07. You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

08. You receive care packages from Europe.

09. Your bologna has no first name.

10. You rob Peter---and then rob Paul.

11. You finally clean your house hoping to find change.

12. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

13. You give blood everyday-----for the orange juice.

14. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

15. Consumer Credit Counseling services said, "NO".

16. The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.
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Old 10-04-2006, 09:41 AM
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Error Messages

Error Messages

Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples:
* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.

Guess which has occured?
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THE LADY J

The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of God stands
forever." Isaiah 40:8
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Old 10-05-2006, 08:27 AM
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Sylvester, Arnold and Van Damme Joke

Excited about his new project concept, a movie producer had called together several big name draws to kick some ideas around.
The project, an action docu-drama about famous composers featured Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwartzenegger in leading roles.

The producers really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."

Things were going well; the producers were pleased.

"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."
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The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of God stands
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Old 10-09-2006, 08:31 AM
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE NET

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE NET

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."
8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,just for the free Internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
3. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem..... you succeed.
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The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of God stands
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Old 10-20-2006, 06:50 PM
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A US Marine Lance Corporal and a USAF Airman First are in the head in the Port Authority bus station at the urinals. The US Marine Lance Corporal finishes, zips up his trousers and turns to leave. The Airman First says, "HEY BUDDY! IN THE AIR FORCE THEY TEACH US TO WASH OUR HANDS AFTER USING THE LATRINE!" The US Marine Lance Corporal replys, "IN THE CORPS, THEY TEACH US NOT TO PEE ON OUR HANDS!"
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Old 10-26-2006, 05:20 PM
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I'M NOT STUPID!!!!!!!!!

After a fire started in a downtown hotel four of the guests found the exit downstairs blocked by fire. The guests consisted of an Army Captain, a Navy Captain, an Air Force Col., and a Marine Major.

Surrounded by the fire, the four went up to the roof.

The fire truck soon arrived and the firemen held out a net and yelled up,"OK, Groundpounder, jump!!!"

The Army Captain responded, "I am an Officer and Gentleman in the United States Army and you will address me as such."

The firemen yelled back, "OK, Captain, Sir, JUMP!!"

The Captain jumped-----the firemen moved the net----and the Captain splattered on the ground.

The firemen yelled up, "OK, Swabbie, JUMP!!!"

The Navy Captain yelled back, "I graduated from the Naval Academy and you will show respect."

The firemen yelled up, "OK, Sir, JUMP"----again the firemen moved the net and another splat.

The firemen yelled up, "OK, Flyboy, jump". The Air Force Col. yelled back, "I am a top ace in the Air Force and I deserve respect."

The firemen said, "OK, Pilot Sir, JUMP!!!"...They again moved the net and another splat.

The firemen yelled up, "OK, Jarhead, jump."

The Marine Major yelled down, "I'm not stupid like those other guys----you're not moving the net on me. Before I jump put that net on the ground and step back three paces."
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Old 11-07-2006, 12:05 PM
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A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned. In due time, she fell in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned.

Sometime later, she fell in love with a Marine and married him. That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh. She asked, "What in the world is so funny?"

The Marine said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about twenty years from now..."
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